In the name of Allah, the Refuge of those who seeking for it.
I'm back.
A whole day and more of contemplating, reading books and the Holy Quran and talking to some people - and dream about some things meaningful to me, have made me realise what was wrong with myself.
I have personal problems, familial problems and some other problems. These weakened my mental strength and my spirit.
But others might experienced even worse situations. And more importantly, I have experienced more arduous situations than this. Perhaps these were some new situations and I didn't know how to react.
And here was my problem - what was wrong with me: My Imaan was hollowed out. Yes, my soul was weary and exhausted. My heart was cloudy.
You know when that happens. Really, you'll know.
From Abu Hurayrah, the Prophet (pbuh) said: "Keep renewing your Imaan." The companions asked, "O Allah's Prophet! How should we renew our Imaan?"The Prophet replied, "Recite Laa Ilaaha Illallah often."[Narrated by Imam Ahmad]
The Prophet (pbuh) said, "Each heart has its own passing cloud, just as the moon when it is shining and there comes a cloud that replaces its brightness with darkness. Whenever it (the cloud) moves on, it (the moon) will shine yet again."[Abu Nu`am & As-Silsilah As-Sahihah]
From the explanation of our Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) in the hadiths above, we know that our Imaan will expire if we don't try maintain and renew it often. As another hadith (narrated by at-Tabrani and al-Hakim) explained that Imaan in our heart will be worn out just the way clothes are worn out, or become thin due to usage. All these happen whenever we sin and commit wrongdoings whether we realise it or not.
I realised this when I sat quietly when finishing my regular Quran recital after Maghrib prayer last night. There were zikirs played on Astro Oasis channel while waiting for azan of Isyak prayer. I was immersed in the zikirs as I followed the recital silently, then I found one of them really moved my heart. I'm not sure what it is called but I call it Istighfar Taubat Nasuha.
When your heart is tainted with black dots you don't realise are there, repentance (taubat) is the best remedy.
I downloaded one mp3 of this Istighfar [click here to download] and listened to it throughout the night while sleeping. I found my pillow soaked with tears. There and then I realised how my soul has been longing to feel again the wonder when I passed through the "liminality threshold" some times ago when I first figured out myself how gracious is Allah the Almighty.
Don't let sin taints the heart as it drives us away from Allah
I believe, every soul longs to see its Creator.
That's why the heart rumbles when we sin because the soul cries out of fright and awe to the Almighty Creator but the self never tried to listen to it.
"Forgive me, O Allah, The Forgiver! Forgive me, O Allah, away from sins. Forgive me, O Allah, The Forgiver! Forgive me, O Allah, away from sins."
