Kisah Cinta Pertama

Dengan nama Allah, Cintaku yang paling utama.

[Note: For this entry, I will use both Bahasa Melayu and English interchangeably.]

Baru semalam saya terbaca entri menarik seorang rakan (yang juga merupakan junior se-apartment yang selalu kami "buli". Ehehe), tentang "kisah chenta pertama" beliau [klik sini untuk baca]. It was hilarious, mind you, and made me feel like sharing my own "kisah chenta pertama".

They say, your past actions and experience made the you today. And also, a man remembers most his first love. Is it true? Well, I wouldn't say "NO" though because to a certain extent, I experientally agree.

***

If my mind serves me right, the first time I really fell in love was when I was in Form 3. There was this new girl who had just transferred to our school just months before PMR. Let's call her M. I believe the first thing about girls that attract most guys are their outward appearances. Beautiful eyes, fair skin, voluptuous lips - all these. Call me a weirdo but I got attracted to a girl's name before I "analyse" their physique and appearance. And M's name was somewhat peculiar to everyone's ears but having learnt Arabic myself, I thought her name was beautiful. After having seen her for the first time, I think I went head over heels for her. But unfortunately, I was too shy for my own good.

Before we started Form 4, I always dreamt to be in the same class with M. I guess I was lucky. I was in the same class with her. But goodness, I was too shy and I took one whole year to make my real move: I sent her a kad raya end of that year.

We had some Physics extra classes during year-end school break with Cikgu Marhalim because we did not finish our syllabus. I said I was shy, remember? So I always tried to avoid her. However there was once, after one of the classes, she was able to "corner" me and asked why I sent her the card. Guess what answer I gave her? Yes, a stupid excuse: "Because I had an extra card, and I somehow had your house address." I guess she saw through my answer and knew that I like her. We became friends. To think again, I think I was her first (and perhaps the only) male friend she had in school.

Tempat bertemunya "chenta pertama" :'P

The whole year of Form 5 was marvellous. We exchanged letters which we placed under each other's table. I went home late everyday and that was when I placed my letter. She came to school earliest everyday, that was when she placed hers. Every two or three days, my friends would see me grinning contentedly to myself like kerang busuk. Because I received her letter.

There was none who knew about our "friendship" but very few - her best friend and my best friend. The exchanging of letters went on for the whole year. I still remember when I confessed to her that I like her in one of the letters. She asked for confirmation whether or not I was serious and bukan main-main. I guess I was more of a coward than a wallflower back then when I took back my words and said, "Ha'ah, main-main je."

And so we finished school and led our life on different paths. I went to KMPk. She went to KMPP. Even so, we were still in touch. While in KMPk, I learnt a lot of "new things" and most of the time, I forgot to keep in touch with her. It was M who always texted and sometimes called me. I guess it meant something - in other words, she was trying to tell me something which I still couldn't understand at that time.

Having spent a year in KMPk, I realised the harsh truth about science - it requires more and more calculation skills as you dig deeper into it. Lacking talent and ability in calculation, enthusiasm alone was not able to push me forward in the field. And so I chose to enrol for TESL course (since I found that I was more able in the language field than in calculation). I told her that and she applied for the course too. I guess that should mean something, right? But being a late-bloomer I was, I was too blind to see that.

Perhaps Allah has destined me to become a teacher: I was accepted for TESL enrolment and I came to IPBA. M was not selected for the enrolment and she had to further her study in college. Out of sight, out of mind. So they said. Perhaps it's true in some ways because the number of texts between us became lesser and lesser every month. I still liked her at that time but I was just too afraid of commitment in a relationship. And I never confessed.

Titik permulaan baru :'P

Another one and a half year passed when I was in IPBA (that sums up to about five years since I knew her), and only then I felt like I had gathered enough courage to confess again. One night, just few days before my final exam during foundation year, I texted her. We had the casual chit-chat and updates about each other. A quarter to midnight, I dared myself to ask her this question:

"Awak single lagi?"

I waited until midnight but there was no reply. I felt guilty of asking the question and I apologised if the question was somewhat offensive to her. Another quarter of an hour passed and still there was no reply. I gave up hope of receiving any reply and focused on my study. To my surprise, I received a text at half past midnight:

"Awak, maaf tau reply lambat. Tadi ada orang call saya. Orang penting."

Or something along the line. I forgot how she wrote in the message but it was a suggestive text. To tell me that she was taken. It took me the whole ten minutes just to reply:

"It's okay, friend. Good night."

***

Okay, that should be all. Bukan hendak menimbulkan tentang perkara silam, sekadar mahu berkongsi pengalaman. Bagi saya, banyak yang saya pelajari dari pengalaman sendiri. They are:

1) A man has to be brave to let the girl he likes know about his feelings. But of course, ikutlah saranan syarak.
2) Be responsible for what you said. Never take back what you said if it was really what you meant.
3) Do not easily let go things of value to you.

And many other lessons if you were to reflect on it from different perspectives.


Most people often say they want to just forget about their "dark past". Well I don't agree with that. Mind you, things happen for reasons and if you reflect much on them, you will learn a wisdom or two.

So, my friends. Forgive unwanted things from your "dark past" and learn to let go, but remember. When I said remember, I did not mean untuk ungkit-mengungkit. Remember, so that you don't repeat the same mistakes again. If you can do that, I can assure you my friend, that you have become wiser than the you from yesterday.



"Ya Allah! Bukakanlah pintu hati kami untuk memahami pengajaran di sebalik perkara-perkara yang telah Engkau aturkan dalam hidup kami, mudah-mudahan kami beroleh kebijaksanaan dan menjadi hamba-hambaMu yang syukur dan dekat denganMu."